|Look, it's an A-Z of festivals, alright?|
|A is for Arse.
Shouted loudly and drunkenly around our camp fire at night, in preference to...
B is for Bollocks
A sort of aural Mexican wave that spreads across the camp sites at night. And for Beer, which is a festival favourite.
C is for Cider
Good, wholesome, natural product that is both cheap and alcoholic. A winning combination. Also for Curry, which goes so well with booze that it's worth risking the consequences for.
D is for Drinking
Which is, generally speaking, a far better way of spending the weekend than trying to see bands.
E is for Eating
Which is essential, but shouldn't be allowed to get in the way of the drinking. Also for Exploding Death Flares, which are those giant candle-on-a-stick things that may well blow up and cause third-degree burns and set fire to your tent.
F is for Fires
There's nothing better than rounding off the evening by burning damp wood and plastic bottles for the true festival experience. Also for Festival Bottom, an uncomfortable complaint caused by poor diet and damp ground. It'll get you in the end. Ho ho. And for Friends, who make the festival experience complete by providing endless moments of hilarity.
G is for Glastonbury
Popular with hippies, students and thieves.
H is for hangover
The Friday morning walk into Reading just wouldn't be the same if it wasn't accompanied by a jackhammer metal-impurity headache and the feeling that you'd much rather have stayed in your tent.
I is for Inedible Festival Food
You'll have a lot of that over three days.
J is for Juggling
Which is a festival crime. Don't do it, kids - it stunts your growth and makes you buy Levellers records. You have been warned. It's also for Jesters' Hats which have exactly the same effect as juggling. And they make you look like a twat. And it's for Jenny Agutter which Kev will shout loudly round the camp fire at least once during the course of the weekend. She never turns up, though.
K is for Kids
If you have any, leave them at home. They only get under people's feet and stop you drinking properly.
L is for Lager
A festival essential. Makes you witty and charming. Gets you girls. Guaranteed.
M is for Metal
Which is what festival bands played back in the day.
N is for Not Washing
At all. For four days. You know it makes sense. And anyway, everybody else smells just as bad as you. Also for the NME, which is always a useful guide to which bands should be avoided. Also doubles up as bog roll in emergencies.
O is for Outdoors
Which is exactly where a festival should be.
P is for Puking
Everyone should experience a good festival puke at least once in their lives, if only to find out what a bad idea it is. Except in British Home Stores' cafeteria, where it has enormous comedy value. Also for Programme, which is full of re-hashed press releases which may lead to believe every band on the bill is the best thing since cold lager, but comes with a handy wear-it-round-your-neck timetable. If only they sold the timetable thing separately.
Q is for Quayley
We are all embiggened by knowing him.
R is for Reading
The mother of all festivals.
S is for Sad Indie Shite
There's an awful lot of this at Reading these days. Bring back heavy metal!
T is for Tent
You'll be feeling pretty stupid (and cold) if you don't have one. It's also for Toilets, about which much has been said, but you need to experience festival toilets for yourself - don't just believe what you hear. Breathe deep...
U is for Urgh!
Which sums up the awful tast in your mouth after a diet of lager and festival food. Or what you'll say if you should happen to catch a whiff of the stench coming off your body. Also for Umbrellas, which should be left at home - you'll have someone's eye out, you know.
V is for Vino (this is getting even more desparate now)
Aah, the sweet taste of cheap red plonk laced with anti-freeze. Delicious when you're already pissed and the idea of a high alcohol content and a low price seems irresistible. Undrinkable when you're not.
W is for Wally
The ancient predecessor to the nightly chorus of "bollocks!" No one seems to know the origin of the cry of "Wally!" - some say it was a bloke giving away free drugs who was, perhaps understandably, being sought by all and sundry, others that at some distant festival there was someone shouting for his missing dog, Wally, and that the whole crowd joined in. Who knows? Who cares?
X is for...
Lets face it, there aren't any festival Xs, are there? If you can think of any let me know.
Y is for Young People
Aren't there a lot of them at festivals these days?
Z is for Zodiac Mindwarp
The future of stadium rock, you know. At least he was in 1988, when he played Reading. And I couldn't think of anything else festival-related beginning with Z.